My life is a movie...

Some days I feel like I'm watching my life from above as if it's someone else's life. The events that happen when one has 2 small children (or more) are so unpredictable!

Yesterday I realized that I suck because I haven't taken Ava to see Santa this year. I can't believe it's the week of Christmas and I'm just now realizing that she hasn't gotten to sit on Santa's lap. It's just been crazy, as life always is...so that brings me to today. I was determined that we would see Santa today! I decided that we would go after church straight to the ghetto, I mean Hickory Hollow Mall. This is the mall I grew up going to, had my first job at, and feels like home. I feel warm and fuzzy inside this mall...I know that sounds hilarious, but it's true. I decided we would do Hickory Hollow because it's dead. Now, I knew it would not have a lot of people, but on the Sunday before Christmas, I thought there would be a lot more people there than there were. We got to Santa and he was gone until a certain time, so we decided to hit up the Food Court. Well, the Food Court is pretty sad at HH now. WHAT the heck?! No places are open there now except a Greek, Mexican, and Chinese restaurant. So, Ava chose tacos, of course.

Ava and I went to order tacos while Paul and Lexi went to sit and wait for us. Remember, Ava and Lexi are both dressed up to see Santa in their cute Christmas outfits!

So, Ava and I walk back to the table and Lexi starts throwing up buckets! All over Paul and all over herself.

I ran to the Mexican restaurant to get napkins, and I said, "My daughter just threw up and I need some napkins." The guy seriously gave me THREE! I said, "Could I have some more, please?" He still only gave me around 4 more. Oh well...

So I ran back and started cleaning Lexi up and Paul up. It was hiliarious...I mean, you either laugh or cry in situations like this, right?!!! So we got Lexi completely undressed down to her diapers. Ava said, "Lexi can't go see Santa naked!" I said, "You're right!" So, Ava and I went to go get Lexi a new outfit at Sears...yes, Sears is still open at the mall!

We changed Lexi into the new outfit, and we went down stairs to see Santa. We had 2 families in front of us in line, which was so nice, and Ava was thrilled when we saw Santa! Poor Lexi was asleep and we forced her to wake up for the picture. She looks exhausted and pale in the picture. It's sad what we force our kids to do! ha!

When Ava got to talk to Santa, she told him she wanted a scooter with 3 wheels, makeup, a kids camera, and twinkle toes. She was very serious about the scooter "with 3 wheels". She loved seeing Santa, it was very sweet.

When we were leaving, Ava said, "I love this day! It was fantastic!" I'm glad we made a special memory for her although it was crazy for me and Paul. I looked at Paul when we got in the car and said, "Well, that was eventful...let's get home."

This is the "joy" of the holidays, right?!

a need to reflect

I have wanted to write a post for such a long time and wasn't sure what to write. From Feb. until around mid-July, I was extremely depressed. I went through some post-partum depression and was so uncomfortable talking about it. I didn't understand it myself. Lexi didn't sleep well, and I don't do well on no sleep. I require at least 9 hours. I've always been called a grandma for going to bed around 8-9 pm, but I don't care. Well, with Lexi...2-3 hours was the only amount of sleep I was getting! So long story-short...I went back to work in April and May and literally fainted in front of my students because of sleep deprevation and stress. I got through it...some how...just survival mode. I lived every day by just waking up, breathing, and surviving. People would ask, "How are you?" and I would simply say, "I'm surviving." I have many explainations for this stress and depression, but it would take too long to write. Let's just say...I've been through my own personal hell on many different levels in the past 4 years. None of which have to do with my girls, because they have been the happiest/most joyful part of my life! Family issues with my parents combined with some unexpected deaths has changed the make-up of who I am.

I have struggled so many days with being "happy". I have thought many times about what that means...to feel happy. I know that joy comes only from Christ and his great LOVE for us, but finding happiness has been tough for me. I am a Christian and have always considered myself "faith-filled". But honestly, I have struggled for 4 years with my faith. I can't understand why things that are so horrible happen to people. I know it's not God, but it's so hard to wrap my head around.

Paul and I took a trip for my 30th birthday in Oct. to Mexico. I literally cried my eyes out when we got into our room. It was like, all the stress and depression was something I was ready to release somewhere in Mexico. I wouldn't say it just disappeared, but the peace and calmness I felt in paradise left me feeling "lighter" on many levels!

I struggle during this season of Christ's birth to feel happiness. My life doesn't look the way I expected it to. It never will look like I expected it to again, but that's something I must accept and allow to happen because I have no control over that. I feel anxious about holidays and expecially Christmas. My focus for 4 years has been on Ava, and now this is Lexi's first Christmas. Now, the focus will be on seeing joy in my children's faces and knowing that God creates that joy! Not from presents, but from love. I just want to pour out love to my children and husband and find "happiness" in that.

I think we all struggle with many enternal issues that are deep and core issues. My goal now is to not try and figure things out anymore, but to just accept the way things are.

I'm going to continue to try and accept and love life for what it is. God is constantly opening my eyes to the blessings around me. My prayer is that he continues to reveal His blessings to me and my family.

Put your big girl panties on...

...and deal with it!!

I have said this to myself over a hundred time

Maternity Leave

Ava-isms

Ava is changing everyday! Her vocabulary is incredible, and she is always saying something that makes me smirk or laugh! Here are a few things that she has done or said lately that I feel like I need to document...

• A few days ago, Paul was changing Lexi in the morning before Ava was going to school, Lexi was screaming and Ava said, "Uh-oh, Uh-oh...Daddy, I'll go get Mommy!" Paul then said not to get me because Lexi just cries with diaper changes. It was so cute though that she felt like he needed my help.
• Same day, Ava said, "You can take me to school, Mommy, because you can walk now!" (I couldn't walk in the hospital the first day and that was very strange to her!
• One night we were watching Clifford, her favorite, and she started biting her big toe, not the nail, just the toe. We told her it was gross and not to do it, but she kept on. On Clifford, Emily Elizabeth, the girl, said "That was a great story, Clifford!" and Ava then said, "That was a great biting, Ava." So silly...
• Last night we went to my sister-in-laws to watch the Super Bowl, and it was the first time that Ava and Lexi were in the car together. Ava said, "Why is my baby in this car?"

It's definitely a novelty to Ava to have a baby. She's very sweet about Lexi and very, very helpful. We have tried to include Ava as much as possible, which I think has helped!

Nickname Change, sleepless nights, and doctor appointment

So, there is NO big story to why we changed from calling Alexandria "Alex" to "Lexi". But here is how we decided...

First off, if anyone knows about us and finding a name for a girl, you know it was a difficult experience! I had a list of 30 names for Paul to look at, and he had a difficult time liking any of them. He actually was having a difficult time accepting that it was a girl and not a boy. We had pretty much decided this baby would be our last, so when we found out it was a girl, we were both in shock. We just KNEW it was a boy, but God had a different plan for us, a better one!

Paul finally decided on a name he would be ok with, Alexandria. That name had one big problem for me...it didn't meet my "2-syllable rule" for names. I like 2-syllable names. So, we talked about nicknames. I loved Lexi or Allie, he liked Alex. I decided that since we weren't having a boy and that I named Ava Grace, he could have this name. So, we went for Alex.

Once we had her, we kept calling her "Ava" because she looks just like Ava and because of the "A" names. My mom kept saying how cute "Lexi" would be and easier for us to say. I didn't think Paul would go for it, but he decided that, yes, it was hard to not call her Ava. We just thought it would be easier. We've had great feed-back. I like it because it's more girlie, so it's now "Lexi". She's still Alexandria Faith, but we will call her Lexi!=)

We have had some sleepless nights...one night, Lexi screamed for 4-5 hours straight because she needed a good burp. How can a baby cry that long?! It was the worst night of my life (other than Ava's first night home!). We had my mom helping us and then we called Paul's mom to help us. Paul had to go to work the next day, so it was hard for him. That was only one night and hopefully won't happen again. She was not able to be soothed at all that night.

Now she is sleeping 2-3 hours after she eats, but when she wakes up after an hour or so, she is easy to console and calm down. No screaming nights again!! (I hope!) My nights are not normal, of course, but at least she hasn't screamed in two nights.

Today, Lexi had her first appt. with the dr. It was great! My mother in law took us since I can't drive or carry the car seat. Lexi has gained 5 oz. since leaving the hospital, she is now 7 lbs. 6 oz. The dr. was impressed with her weight gain! I nursed Ava for a year and plan to do the same with Lexi. Lexi is a great nursing baby. I am more confident this time, so it makes it easier. I have had some normal "bumps in the road" with nursing, but all in all, we are in a good place. Obviously she's doing well, because she's gaining weight really well! The doctor gave me great advice in a few areas I was concerned over, and I feel much more confident about how Lexi is doing.

She is a sweet baby! I had NO idea I could love my second daughter this much, but I do! Here are my precious girls! Ava loves holding her sister and simply adores "her baby" as she calls Lexi!

A surprise beginning!

So, many of you know I had a planned C-section time of 8 a.m. on Wednesday morning. The plan was to get up at 4:45 am and be at the hospital by 6 am. We were worried about the snow being an issue, so we planned to leave early!

Well, around 1 am, I started feeling contractions. I thought they were just uncomfortable and not extremely painful. I had these off and on for an hour. I tried to sleep, but just couldn't get comfortable. At 2 am, I felt like I was sweaty. Now, let me say...I sweat a lot at night, so this wouldn't have been abnormal. I got up to go to the bathroom because I was so hot and started to feel dripping down my legs. It was weird. I thought, "there's no way that's my water breaking!" But, it was...I got Paul up and told him, called Dr. K to see what she thought. She said to go ahead and get to the hospital. On the way, my contractions got worse and more consistant. Now, with Ava I never felt contractions, so feeling them was not fun! I wanted drugs!!! We got to the hospital, the nursing staff checked my contractions, then called my Dr. to come in. Dr. K came in, talked to me about the surgery, and then we got started. I was so nervous about this surgery. Last time with Ava, I labored for 12 hrs., then had a c section. I was so ready to get Ava out that I didn't have time to think about surgery. Well, I was anxious, but Dr. K was so great. The surgery went well, and Alexandria came out great! She had to actually be suctioned out, though because of my pelvic bone. (which is why I had to have a c sec with both) She came out and screamed and cried so loudly! I was so proud of her strong lungs!

When she was out and screaming, I was crying so much. I had so many emotions running through. I first felt incredibly blessed! I thought, "God, you are SO good to us!" I thought about how God's plan is always perfect. I didn't want to be pregnant this time around, but when she came out, I loved her so much, that there was no question that God had a better plan than we did. I thought about how many babies we know that have not been healthy and how truly it was a miracle for Alex to be so healthy. While they were finishing sewing me up, I layed there thinking about my life the past 3 1/2 years with Ava. I have been through the hardest time in my life for 3 years because of my parents splitting up after 35 years. I layed there thinking that this daughter's first 3 years will not be surrounded my her mommy's sadness and anxiety. That she would have a happier mommy, and I felt full of joy thinking about that. What a blessing she is!

So, everything is going so well. Alexandria Faith is precious. She is just beautiful and sweet. She is nursing so well, and now that my milk has come in, she is doing well even on that. I am thankful for my milk coming in during my stay at the hospital so I could have help! With Ava, my milk came in at home and it was horrible!!! I didn't know what to do and felt miserable! BUT-Alex is doing so well! I am SOOO less stressed with the 2nd one...I feel like things have gone smoothly, and I feel totally overwhelmed and blessed. I have cried so much from feeling blessed! (of course, my hormones are out of whack!)

Big Sister, Ava, loves Alexandria!

[ps-This is what is on the door at the hospital! I asked my mother-in-law, aka Saint Janis, to bring a little something to put on the door. I just wanted something that said, "Alexandria" on it so visitors would know it was her room. My wonderful mother in law went above and beyond, as she always does, and made this sign. We are blessed to have such amazing parents!

Closing a Chapter...

I have been thinking all morning about doing this blog post. I have always valued reflection. I think it's important to look at the past to see how far we've come. We are on the brink of closing a major chapter in our lives. Ava will not be our only child anymore. For 3 1/2 years, she's been what our world has revolved around, and now she will be sharing us with Baby Alex. I am excited and starting to feel anxious. I have cried off and on all morning thinking about how much I love Ava and how proud of her I am. She wears us out like crazy, but the love we have for her is like nothing I can even describe! How are we going to love another child this much?! I am getting nervous about that, but I know that God will give us the love we need for this new child.

We are closing a chapter and opening a new one soon...here's how this chapter of Ava's life began:

The kitty, lovey that Ava has with her name on it was given to her in the hospital by The Pullen family from our church. She loves this kitty and sleeps with her every night! I can't believe how brand new kitty looks in these pictures! The pink "blankie" was given to her by her "Auntie Lori" and she also sleeps every night with that! Ava was a wonderful newborn. She slept well, and ate well (after the first, stressful week home). She started sleeping 5-7 hours when she was 5 weeks old. It was great! She was such a blessing to our home.

Ava grew to be a BIG baby! People always thought she was older than she was because of her size. She was a chunky baby, and we loved it! She was very healthy and we were so proud to show her off! Here is Ava at 6 months old at Christmas time, with her BCF (best cousin forever), Alana! Look how little Alana looks! She's 2 here.

Once Ava turned a year old we started really seeing her personality! She loved to play, laugh, and smile with people. She was very social with people whether she knew them or not. That really made us laugh. Here she is in Michigan at a year old. She loved to swing then and still would rather swing than play on a playground even now! At one and half, it was Christmas time. She loved her kitty and added Elmo (after we took her passy away!).


Ava was in her first wedding, my best friend, Lindi's when she was almost 2. She was beautiful! She loved wearing the dress, the wings, and walking down the aisle. She did really well walking down, but once she was down the aisle, she was a loose canon. My mom took her during the wedding because I was the matron of honor and couldn't leave.

Ava was a spunky 2 year old! She soon taught us that things should be "her" way, not "our" way. We learned how truly strong-willed she was during her 2nd year.

Here is Ava and Daddy at Christmas. Ava was 2.5 years old. She was in the Christmas program at church that year and stole the show! She was very animated and loved being the center of attention.

Ava and Daddy dug a huge hole in the sand this summer at Hilton Head. It was our first (and probably only) trip with just the 3 of us. I was pregnant and feeling sick, but Ava had a blast. It was fun watching the joy on her face at digging in the sand and playing in the water!

Ava is 3 now and just beautiful (I must say!). She makes me laugh harder than anyone else, and sometimes she makes me want to pull my hair out more than anyone else. She pushes buttons that I never thought I had, but I love this girl so much! Ava is thrilled at becoming a big sister. It will be a new adventure for all of us. All we can do now is pray for strength and guidance during this new chapter we are all about to embark on.

I love you, Ava Grace Morel!

Red Robin fiasco!

Yesterday we went to see "Yogi Bear" with Ava. We are trying to have some special "Ava" time before Alexandria is here. Our families joined us for the movie, including Alana (Ava's sweet cousin!), my dad, and my father and mother in law. It was fun! Ava loved the movie and ate a ton of popcorn, like me. I just can't get enough of movie popcorn.

After the movie, we all went to Red Robin where John, Janna, and baby James met us. We had a great dinner. The big Red Robin came out to greet us and Ava was extremely excited! Alana was a little freaked out as some children are of big characters. We enjoyed the wonderful campfire sauce with our fries and good company. At the end of the meal, our sweet servers and the manager brought me and dessert and present for my upcoming arrival. It was so nice of them! I haven't had a lot of "special" things for this baby, so it made me feel really happy for me and for Alexandria. I got a huge piece of icecream cake, which I shared with Alana and Ava and others at the table.

The whole night was wonderful until we walked outside...

Alana walked down the sidewalk away from Ava and turned around to realize she hadn't said good bye. Very similiar to a slow motion scene in a movie, Ava and Alana ran to each other with arms wide open to say good bye to each other. (we all find this so sweet, but now we will be more careful) With the heavy winter coats the girls had on and with the strong force, they hugged hard and fell hard to the ground. They both hit their heads very hard on the concrete! They were screaming crying after that. We got Ava in the car and tried calming her down, while John and Janna got Alana in the car and took her and James home. When we got Ava in the car, she couldn't calm down, she was literally hysterically crying and got so worked up, she threw up all the chocolate icecream she had just eaten.

My mother in law ran in the restaurant to get towels and I tried helping Paul clean Ava up with baby wipes. (BAD IDEA!)

I got one smell of the throw up and lost it!!! I started to dry heave thinking that's all it would be. Well, let me just be honest...I ate too much popcorn at the movies, fries, and then the dessert. It all came up. I threw up so much right in front of Red Robin. My father in law helped me to the side of the restaurant so I wouldn't be seen by customers as much. I continued to throw up non-stop. Then, my dad came over and rubbed my back and asked if I was ok. I was laughing the whole time because of the craziness of the evening! It was like a scene from a movie! My dad and father in law weren't sure what to do about me, but I think they felt better when I started laughing. I haven't thrown up that much in over a year when I had a stomach bug.

The evening was really great until the craziness in the Red Robin parking lot!

The Joys of the last month of pregnancy...

So, I don't want to complain...but I have about 2 1/2 weeks until my c-section and I am miserable. My back is killing me after working all day and my feet are so swollen. My 90 year old grandmother's (grandma stigall) feet resemble my own right now. Paul even said last night that I should get compression socks. ( I was/am making fun of myself, so it's ok for other's to do the same right now.) I'm not very sensitive about my swelling now, because I think it's just par for the course. I was very swollen at the end with Ava, too.

Here's proof:

Yes, I am being very candid here, and it must be part of my pregnancy to just be vunerable and say crazy things, but my feet are like elephant feet and I can't wait until I can see the bones and veins in my feet again! It will be a happy day!

Ava even notices my differences...she asked me the other day, "Why do your legs have fur on them?" It's the funniest, but most embarrassing she's ever said to me. I realized when she said it that it had been a long while since my legs had seen a razor...I better get to that before Alexandria comes...

Ava is getting so excited about having a sister. She talks about her all the time! I think she'll be a great help. Here's one of our angels, and soon we'll have two!

I am nervous about the transition that this is going to be for our family, but I know we will be strong and trust in our God to help us through. I worry about Ava's behavior and wonder if a new baby will help or hurt Ava's behavior. Either way, I know God is preparing us now and will guide us through whatever comes our way.

A Rough End to 2010...

I haven't posted in a couple months. As many of you know, we have had a rough November and December. Not just Paul, Ava, and I, but all of our extended families have gone through the roughest time we've ever been through. It's weird because when you hear about something tragic that happens, you always think it will happen to another person or another family. When it hits close to home...it's surreal. It feels like there is no way it could have ever happened.
This fall both Paul and I lost our maternal grandfathers at 89 years old and then we lost our newphew, Thomas (3 months old) only 3 weeks ago.
I have never experienced the loss of a child and have never known anyone very well who has experienced that loss. To experience this terrible loss has been devastating to our family. It feels like something is missing every time we are all together. James is the twin who is doing very well and growing, smiling, and giggling now. It's hard not to think about his brother when I hold him or am around him and watch him. I feel a deep pang of sadness. I know that time will make things a little less painful, but it will take a while for all of us to feel that. I feel sadness for my brother and sister in law who experience this deep grieve on a level I will never understand. All I can say to them is that I love them and am praying for them. I have watched and admired their faith, and I have been blessed by it. I have learned to not let the small things stress me out lately. I'm just thankful for my family. I am thankful daily for Ava, even when she wears me out. I am extremely thankful that Alexandria has been growing well and is safe and cozy in my womb for another 3 weeks. God is good, and has provided and protected for us. We are continuing to trust Him, even when it's not easy. I will never understand how this tragic experience has happened to us, but it's not my place to understand it. I am just trying daily to be thankful for God's many blessings on our family.