I have wanted to write a post for such a long time and wasn't sure what to write. From Feb. until around mid-July, I was extremely depressed. I went through some post-partum depression and was so uncomfortable talking about it. I didn't understand it myself. Lexi didn't sleep well, and I don't do well on no sleep. I require at least 9 hours. I've always been called a grandma for going to bed around 8-9 pm, but I don't care. Well, with Lexi...2-3 hours was the only amount of sleep I was getting! So long story-short...I went back to work in April and May and literally fainted in front of my students because of sleep deprevation and stress. I got through it...some how...just survival mode. I lived every day by just waking up, breathing, and surviving. People would ask, "How are you?" and I would simply say, "I'm surviving." I have many explainations for this stress and depression, but it would take too long to write. Let's just say...I've been through my own personal hell on many different levels in the past 4 years. None of which have to do with my girls, because they have been the happiest/most joyful part of my life! Family issues with my parents combined with some unexpected deaths has changed the make-up of who I am.
I have struggled so many days with being "happy". I have thought many times about what that means...to feel happy. I know that joy comes only from Christ and his great LOVE for us, but finding happiness has been tough for me. I am a Christian and have always considered myself "faith-filled". But honestly, I have struggled for 4 years with my faith. I can't understand why things that are so horrible happen to people. I know it's not God, but it's so hard to wrap my head around.
Paul and I took a trip for my 30th birthday in Oct. to Mexico. I literally cried my eyes out when we got into our room. It was like, all the stress and depression was something I was ready to release somewhere in Mexico. I wouldn't say it just disappeared, but the peace and calmness I felt in paradise left me feeling "lighter" on many levels!
I struggle during this season of Christ's birth to feel happiness. My life doesn't look the way I expected it to. It never will look like I expected it to again, but that's something I must accept and allow to happen because I have no control over that. I feel anxious about holidays and expecially Christmas. My focus for 4 years has been on Ava, and now this is Lexi's first Christmas. Now, the focus will be on seeing joy in my children's faces and knowing that God creates that joy! Not from presents, but from love. I just want to pour out love to my children and husband and find "happiness" in that.
I think we all struggle with many enternal issues that are deep and core issues. My goal now is to not try and figure things out anymore, but to just accept the way things are.
I'm going to continue to try and accept and love life for what it is. God is constantly opening my eyes to the blessings around me. My prayer is that he continues to reveal His blessings to me and my family.
3 comments:
I loved your post. Thank you for your honesty. I hope your family has a beautiful Christmas. You are strong.
Brooke, thanks for your post. I can relate to what you are saying on so many levels. I have been dealing with depression for the last year. I think it was brought on by Christopher's birth. I have not talked about it much but just feel like you need to know that there are others that feel like you. Much love to you this season!!
I know it has been a difficult year for you and your family. Having the baby blues/postpartum depression is something that happens to so many people but most are ashamed to talk about it. As you know, once you are a mom "normal" is history! I am praying for you and hoping that 2012 will be your best year yet!
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