My life is a movie...

Some days I feel like I'm watching my life from above as if it's someone else's life. The events that happen when one has 2 small children (or more) are so unpredictable!

Yesterday I realized that I suck because I haven't taken Ava to see Santa this year. I can't believe it's the week of Christmas and I'm just now realizing that she hasn't gotten to sit on Santa's lap. It's just been crazy, as life always is...so that brings me to today. I was determined that we would see Santa today! I decided that we would go after church straight to the ghetto, I mean Hickory Hollow Mall. This is the mall I grew up going to, had my first job at, and feels like home. I feel warm and fuzzy inside this mall...I know that sounds hilarious, but it's true. I decided we would do Hickory Hollow because it's dead. Now, I knew it would not have a lot of people, but on the Sunday before Christmas, I thought there would be a lot more people there than there were. We got to Santa and he was gone until a certain time, so we decided to hit up the Food Court. Well, the Food Court is pretty sad at HH now. WHAT the heck?! No places are open there now except a Greek, Mexican, and Chinese restaurant. So, Ava chose tacos, of course.

Ava and I went to order tacos while Paul and Lexi went to sit and wait for us. Remember, Ava and Lexi are both dressed up to see Santa in their cute Christmas outfits!

So, Ava and I walk back to the table and Lexi starts throwing up buckets! All over Paul and all over herself.

I ran to the Mexican restaurant to get napkins, and I said, "My daughter just threw up and I need some napkins." The guy seriously gave me THREE! I said, "Could I have some more, please?" He still only gave me around 4 more. Oh well...

So I ran back and started cleaning Lexi up and Paul up. It was hiliarious...I mean, you either laugh or cry in situations like this, right?!!! So we got Lexi completely undressed down to her diapers. Ava said, "Lexi can't go see Santa naked!" I said, "You're right!" So, Ava and I went to go get Lexi a new outfit at Sears...yes, Sears is still open at the mall!

We changed Lexi into the new outfit, and we went down stairs to see Santa. We had 2 families in front of us in line, which was so nice, and Ava was thrilled when we saw Santa! Poor Lexi was asleep and we forced her to wake up for the picture. She looks exhausted and pale in the picture. It's sad what we force our kids to do! ha!

When Ava got to talk to Santa, she told him she wanted a scooter with 3 wheels, makeup, a kids camera, and twinkle toes. She was very serious about the scooter "with 3 wheels". She loved seeing Santa, it was very sweet.

When we were leaving, Ava said, "I love this day! It was fantastic!" I'm glad we made a special memory for her although it was crazy for me and Paul. I looked at Paul when we got in the car and said, "Well, that was eventful...let's get home."

This is the "joy" of the holidays, right?!

a need to reflect

I have wanted to write a post for such a long time and wasn't sure what to write. From Feb. until around mid-July, I was extremely depressed. I went through some post-partum depression and was so uncomfortable talking about it. I didn't understand it myself. Lexi didn't sleep well, and I don't do well on no sleep. I require at least 9 hours. I've always been called a grandma for going to bed around 8-9 pm, but I don't care. Well, with Lexi...2-3 hours was the only amount of sleep I was getting! So long story-short...I went back to work in April and May and literally fainted in front of my students because of sleep deprevation and stress. I got through it...some how...just survival mode. I lived every day by just waking up, breathing, and surviving. People would ask, "How are you?" and I would simply say, "I'm surviving." I have many explainations for this stress and depression, but it would take too long to write. Let's just say...I've been through my own personal hell on many different levels in the past 4 years. None of which have to do with my girls, because they have been the happiest/most joyful part of my life! Family issues with my parents combined with some unexpected deaths has changed the make-up of who I am.

I have struggled so many days with being "happy". I have thought many times about what that means...to feel happy. I know that joy comes only from Christ and his great LOVE for us, but finding happiness has been tough for me. I am a Christian and have always considered myself "faith-filled". But honestly, I have struggled for 4 years with my faith. I can't understand why things that are so horrible happen to people. I know it's not God, but it's so hard to wrap my head around.

Paul and I took a trip for my 30th birthday in Oct. to Mexico. I literally cried my eyes out when we got into our room. It was like, all the stress and depression was something I was ready to release somewhere in Mexico. I wouldn't say it just disappeared, but the peace and calmness I felt in paradise left me feeling "lighter" on many levels!

I struggle during this season of Christ's birth to feel happiness. My life doesn't look the way I expected it to. It never will look like I expected it to again, but that's something I must accept and allow to happen because I have no control over that. I feel anxious about holidays and expecially Christmas. My focus for 4 years has been on Ava, and now this is Lexi's first Christmas. Now, the focus will be on seeing joy in my children's faces and knowing that God creates that joy! Not from presents, but from love. I just want to pour out love to my children and husband and find "happiness" in that.

I think we all struggle with many enternal issues that are deep and core issues. My goal now is to not try and figure things out anymore, but to just accept the way things are.

I'm going to continue to try and accept and love life for what it is. God is constantly opening my eyes to the blessings around me. My prayer is that he continues to reveal His blessings to me and my family.