Well, as many of you know, Ava turned 1 on Sunday!! I can't believe I am a mother of a one year old. How did she grow up so fast? The past week has been a major reflection time for me. I have gone through a very painful time this year, as many of you are aware of, due to my family situation with my parents. I can never explain or try to define my exact feelings that I have gone through, but I can say that I have never been in a deeper valley than I have been in this year. I have truly lost a piece of myself this year. I have turned my back on God completely to where I have no desire to pray or attend church. I have continued to attend church, of course, but never really allowed the Holy Spirit to work on my life. I just felt like God was gone. It felt like he left me for a while.
The past month has been a time of deep self reflection for me. I read two amazing books, The Shack and Redeeming Love. I think God used those books to bring me back to Him. What I realize, through my reflection, is that God has been by me the whole year. He blessed me with the most beautiful baby girl in the world. I remember the first time Ava made eye contact with me one night in the hospital. She was about a day old. Paul was sleeping and the nurse brought her in to nurse. She didn't want to eat, but she wanted to just stare at my face. I cried my eyes out and remember specially thinking, "God gave this amazing gift to me." I remember praying that I would always strive to be the mother that she needed and that God would give me strength to be her mother even in the most difficult circumstances that life may bring. I had no idea at that moment what God was preparing me for.
I look back now and see that God was always there with me. He showed Himself to me in Ava's smiles and giggles, in Paul's warm hugs when I was sobbing many nights and had to get up for work the next day, in my many friends that give me words of encouragement and smiles. God was there, walking beside me and holding my hand when I couldn't stand up on my own. He gave me strength to teach some days when I didn't feel like waking up and living in the morning. He used me to reach out to kids, even when I was going through an extremely difficult time. What I am learning now, is that through everything I've been through, God was always with me AND still had a purpose for me. My purpose now is to be a Godly wife and mother to my family. God has blessed me with a husband whose faith is greater than mine. I am thankful that God has used Paul to bring me comfort and security when I didn't feel like I had any.
Lately, I have been telling people that God knew I couldn't handle having a hard baby to take care of. He knew I needed a baby that would make me laugh so hard I cry, and a baby who brought me the greatest joy just looking into her face. If I had a rough baby this year, I might be in a mental hospital, I say that jokingly, but it is very true!!
My point of this is that the Bible talks about how even in the most difficult circumstances of life, God is there to guide us. I didn't believe that for a long time, but I do now. I also have realize that God did not cause any of this to happen, but He has used it to bring me close to Him and His will.
Thank you everyone who has been on their knees for me and my family this year. God is always good to us. I am so thankful for each of you in my life.
~Brooke~
